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I’ve always been a private person, definitely more of an introverted personality. I find happiness and solace just being all by myself, never really feeling the need to have to be out and about and socializing. Well, hair loss added to that in a negative way. What once felt like a personal preference now seemed like a prerequisite to my life… solitude and isolation.
There were two monumental, emotionally catastrophic times caused by my hair loss. One was when this began in 1999, and the other crash came in 2007. I was losing my hair the whole time and having bouts of depression the whole way through, but those points mark times where I just sat constantly feeling helpless and completely without any motivation to live life. It’s definitely no coincidence that I created this site in 2007, it was an extremely sad time for me, and if you read my earlier posts you will likely feel the sadness and pain I was going through. I was withdrawn, I submerged myself into the comfort of my keyboard and I began to pour my heart out onto electronic paper. The more I typed, the more I shared, the more I started to feel better. Sharing is incredibly healing; I say it all the time.
During this time, I started to avoid my friends; I was ashamed of how much worse my hair was starting to look. It was thin before, but after having experienced a nonstop massive shedding from the 2 years prior, it was now a complete hopeless mess, and seemingly progressing each day. I didn’t want anyone to see me this way. I hid. In every sense of the word. I hid. I started avoiding phone calls, text messages and even started to skip the “reply” part of an email I would receive. It was just easier to push that part away (socializing) and focus on communicating and writing to women I met online, women who I knew understood what I was going through, that felt a whole lot safer.
As time passed I started to feel guilty for abandoning the friendships, and I started to feel empty. I was saddened that I had pushed everyone away just so I wouldn’t have to share my secret and have them see me a way that I didn’t even want to see myself.
I wanted to reconnect, but how? So much time has passed. What do you say? Where do you pick up? “Hi, how are you… I’ve been balding for over a decade and it’s made me miserably depressed, sorry I didn’t call you back,” that just didn’t have the flow or direction I was hoping for.
I wrote emails, apologizing and explaining what has transpired in my life, or more appropriately put… what took over my life. I went out to lunch with someone else, and burst into tears over my jambalaya. I was scared, I felt vulnerable, but I was received with such love and understanding. I wasn’t judged. All that I had built up in my head of how no one would understand, was really just in my head. I also think when you share such a deeply personal part of your life with others; it can deepen and grow your friendship.
Make no mistake, this is still very much a secret of my life, but I told a few people I very much care about, and I don’t regret it. I know in writing with lots of women on this site, that others have also lost touch with their friends, and in some cases family, and I want to tell you… Your friends, your REAL friends, are still there, waiting for you to reach out. If you want to reconnect, make the choice, and decide how you feel most comfortable – phone, in person, email, telegram 
and do it.
It’s been quite some time since I’ve written a blog post. Now all at once I have several things I want to write about, but I’ll separate them into different posts, and play catch up that way.
Dear Hair,
When I was younger I never ever could have imagined that my destiny was to be a woman with hair loss. The thick mane (clearly on loan) that I was born with was only a temporary gift. Over the last 9 years I’ve suffered a lot, but I’ve also learned a lot. I’ve become a stronger individual and also someone is more compassionate, forgiving and understanding of others around me. I suppose depending on your religious standpoint one could argue that God had wanted to challenge me, test me and make me a better person. I’ve searched for answers high and low, a deeper understanding of why, why me? For myself to live and stay sane, I have to personally believe that there is a “reason” that this was thrust upon me at 21 years of age. So I go with that, whatever helps you sleep at night right? I practically slept through my 20’s feeling sadness and despair for the future… what will be tomorrow. I feel such a heaviness and sadness when I write that, a get a lump in my throat and my eyes begin to well up with tears. I feel a sadness for yesterday even though it’s gone and far behind. Almost like I’m mourning the years I’ve left behind, the years of hair loss. I look back and I realize it was so needless to stay in bed and hide from the world. All along the way I had enough hair to get by and not have the world know my dark little secret.
