Living With Hair Loss: The Validation Trap

by Y on May 22, 2021

I don’t have the cure to hair loss, what I do have is the knowledge that the ability to live with hair loss exists, and that the ability to get to a place of being able to live with hair loss and not have it rule your life, does involve letting go of the need for anyone else’s approval or waiting for their validation of your situation. 

Acceptance is within us, and we control that… that should be a freeing feeling, knowing that no one has to give you that, you can give that to yourself. I’m not saying it’s easy, but I am saying waiting for validation can keep us stuck on the spin cycle. Hair loss is something very difficult for others to truly understand, and understand it in the manner to which it deeply and profoundly affects and alters our lives. You do not need to wait for anyone to get it in order to move forward in your life.

I don’t underestimate the value of validation and the healing properties within it, and I very much think being seen matters, but I also think waiting to be seen or waiting for validation, can hurt us and hold us back. 

I don’t know that enough thought or weight is given to the immense value and importance of changing our thoughts/mindset/pre-conceived notions for ourselves, rather than waiting or hoping for the validation or acceptance from others. 

If you take my # 1 lifelong insecurity and brought in a stadium of people to tell me, you are wrong… it’s this way, basically the opposite way of what I believe, it wouldn’t change a damm thing to me. It could be 10 stadiums of people. 

I believe it and feel it, so it’s real. Even if you think it’s nuts, I believe and feel it, so it’s real…TO ME. 

Our beliefs, our core beliefs of self is what matters. Acknowledging that is important and changing it is hard, but honestly in my opinion, it is not wholly solved by external validation, because if your core belief of self in whatever it is,  is so deeply rooted, there is nothing anyone can say to change it.

By the way, this also true for when we feel good or are confident in something, it is difficult (not impossible, but difficult) for another to rock your world when you have a very strong sense of self in the most positive way, in whatever area we are talking about. 

Where there are gaps or cracks of sense of self, that’s where the garbage comes in, that’s where the 10 stadiums of people, or even just one, CAN make you doubt yourself or feel bad about yourself where you hadn’t before, where it can change your perception of yourself for the negative. I feel like we are wired to absorb the negative and to discard the positive, and where we feel weak is where we may seek someone else’s approval, and at times even bank on that being the missing piece to our happiness.

It’s definitely worth noting, I’m speaking from my viewpoint and maybe for others if they heard 5000 people challenge their deeply rooted core belief, it would change it for them, it doesn’t for me. 

One thing I know about myself is that I find it difficult for anyone to fully get me, all the things and issues I deal with  (outside of hair loss) that others find odd, because they don’t live in my skin. Expecting others to get it has always led to disappointment OR I ended up feeling alone or like I was defective, that there was something wrong with me, and plenty of times I was also told just that, that “No Normal Person Would Act That Way.” So not only was I told I wasn’t normal, but my entire experience was invalidated. That was/is damaging. That never helped.

This is my normal and I’m not going to spend the next 43 years of my life, trying to conform to someone else’s narrow view of what normal is so that maybeeeee (maybeeeeee) I get a fleeting moment of approval.

Not. Gonna. Happen. 

I am normal, this is my normal. All my my life shit, my hair loss, my wigs. 

This is my normal.

That’s not to say I don’t constantly strive to improve myself, because I do. 

For myself.

Again, yes being seen matters, yes it can help heal, but waiting to be seen can hurt you. 

I know I’m banging on the drum again, but it’s because I feel it’s so important that we do not halt our progress waiting for others to get it,  or hand over our power by waiting for validation. Waiting for external validation is a trap. It’s a false sense of anticipated security that most of us have, at one point or another in our lives fell into, and waited for and relied on. 

Don’t rely on another person’s validation to help yourself feel better about you and never feel the need to prove your situation and feelings. 

The reason I am not affected by another’s thoughts or opinions on wearing wigs or my declaration of hair loss, is because it’s so wired into me as being ok.

Who made it OK? Me.

It’s part of the fabric of my life and has been for quite sometime, and I know that it is more than okay. 

I have hair loss, I wear wigs. I spent far too long in a self imposed prison, and I refuse to hand over the keys to someone else to lock me back up, and you shouldn’t allow that either.

Find your truth. Own your truth. Your feelings matter, and you don’t need to prove them to anyone. 

Sending Much Love To All !

Follow me on Instagram: @whlpnetwork

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