Women's Hair Loss Project

I hate change, anyone that knows me knows how badly I hate change, much more than the average person. I like consistency, control, I like perfection, to a fault, to the point it actually hurts and drives my body mad, a visceral response. 

Imagine needing everything to be in order, nothing out of place, and I mean with the dumbest stuff you can think of, and then your hair falls out. Hair loss has to be ranking at the top of one of the most disordered afflictions. The only thing sure in this process is that my hair will forever fall out, my hair loss Is progressive. I cannot control this. 
I cannot control my wigs, I cannot make them perfect, because no perfect wig exists. I could never get exactly the same wig as I had the time before when I found one I loved, because each wig was different, even within the same manufacturer, even within the same line. This is not a t shirt, there is human intervention and trust me I see the differences in the same shirt or sweater I purchase from the same place, even those are sometimes never exact. 

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It’s been almost 6 months since I shaved my head due to getting a 2nd hair loss last year, which was in addition to the 24 year old female pattern baldness I have had since I was 21 years old.

I am adjusting and adapting. It still isn’t something I love, but I do love I did the thing I needed to do, to move forward in my hair loss life. In this video I share my thoughts on why I needed to shave my head, and what it has done for me, as well as some thoughts on learning to live with hair loss.

Hair loss is hard, it’s a process to learn to accept and evolve and find our way, but there is a way to live with hair loss, to not have it rule your life. This I know.

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My whole life, I’ve been told to “smile.” Smile more. You’ll be prettier if you smile. It always made me feel bad, because this was my face naturally, how it wanted to be, how it rested. But it felt not enough.  like how I look when I’m not smiling. Pensive. I am a pensive person, that’s much different than sad. 

People assume all sorts of things in life, they assume if you aren’t grinning from ear to ear, or you face isn’t naturally resting in a smile, that something is wrong. 

They assume if you are grinning ear to ear, your life is grand. Neither is necessarily true, or both are true. 

Assumptions in hair loss. You have a wig, well you should be fine, what are you upset about? Other than the loss of our actual hair you mean? Throwing on a wig was life changing, it didn’t solve having to work to accept my evolving look as my hair thinned over the years, the knowing it was final. 

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It’s not been a good day, I managed to type just that before I start crying. From that I want people to understand how painful hair loss can be, I only wrote “It’s not been a good day,” and the tears poured out of my face, and all at once I’m flooded with emotion.

It’s been so long so long, well before 2022, that I had these feelings to contend with… like this. After I started wearing wigs in 2012, I cut my hair short to an edgy cut that looked like a choice, though it was for functional purposes to look fuller, hide the thinness, see less of the fall and it made wig wearing easier. I adapted. Fully adapted and I lived my life mostly free of hair loss for over a decade.

Getting a second hair loss last year has truly devastated me in what words probably never ever fully capture. It’s disbelief, of how lightening can strike twice, how I could have had to struggle so much in my life with this, then find my way, and then been thrown this, another type of hair loss, one that changes everything I did from the wigs that I wore, to no longer being able to have that short hair cut that I accepted and felt okay in.

Many people don’t understand I lost the frame of my face, the way my hair line used to be, the one thing female pattern baldness never took was these little baby hairs on my forehead, they didn’t help much of anything other than being my trademark thing I saw, since birth, and what felt like me.

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Healing. Allow yourself time, in all this to cry, to be upset, to accept the unexplained emotions of chaos at times, to scream, to meltdown. Allow yourself the ability to grieve. Within that have hope that this moment can pass from beyond the pain of which you are in.

It can.

Don’t allow others to rob you of your feelings, to make you feel less than or vain, or stupid for feeling downright devastated by the loss, a loss that I don’t think anyone can comprehend unless it’s happened to them.

I took this picture and I see my age – Drier skin, wrinkles, the dark circles I always had since I was born, raccoon eyes. The signs of aging doesn’t bother me, I’m 45. What bothers me is that I lost so much of life to hair loss, 13 years really spent in a deep struggle before I started wearing wigs at 34. I will never get back that time, and I wish I could get a do over, with the mindset of NOW. My life would look very different, hair loss and all.

Hair loss is awful, I’ll never state otherwise, but it wasn’t worth losing years of my life over. At the age of 21 I didn’t know how to cope, at all, with any of this. I couldn’t process a future. What I didn’t know then, that I wish I did, was that I could make it work in a non perfect way, but still in a way that I would allow me to feel good and live my life. I wish I would have accepted sooner. The denial kept me struggling, the denial kept me in pain.

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