No, I’m not dead I know it’s been awhile since I’ve posted, but sometimes life just gets in the way ya know?
When I started losing my hair in 1999, at 21 years of age, I was certain (positive) life was over. How could I ever LIVE without having all the hair I was born with? How? I could not process that thought. I dreadfully watched myself decline and disappear through the years. I was existing, but not living.
Acceptance never came to me until I started wearing hair in 2012. Finding something that gave me back my control, with something that made me feel so helpless, really turned the tables around on my hair loss. While it was a slow and difficult journey, it was one I look back on and realize I surprisingly wouldn’t change. That seems like a ridiculous statement (and no I haven’t been drinking today… yet) especially when I used to pray day and night for my hair loss to stop and all my hair to grow back, and may promises of this and that to the high heavens above, but to no avail… my hair loss simply continued to progress. I realize now that my hair loss has helped to shape me into who I am today, my experiences and suffering has helped others, of which I am so grateful for, and I have found friendships I never thought were possible.
Hair loss provided me with a certain strength I didn’t know I had, and when my perception of what was happening changed, I found that the doors didn’t close, they opened. I am 36 years old, and it is at this point, over the past year that I really feel I have begun to find myself in many aspects, even beyond hair. Though it’s all connected. Somehow everything is always connected. There where a few critical pieces to get to where I am now. First and foremost, my amazing fiancé, who has never wavered in his love and support of me. Second, the support of the women on this site and watching others continue to live in spite of their hair loss. Third, finding Follea. What can I say, mad props (I’m dating myself now) to them… seriously. I think they are amazing. To see what wearing hair could be, was a game changer… big time. Fourth, the strong bond of friendships I have made with some women through WHLP that have taken us on amazing trips from New York, to Las Vegas to Canada in a wig wearing fiesta of awesomeness, and lastly, beginning to see a psychiatrist last Sept, taking medications for my errrr… anxiety/ OCD issues etc., and facing me. Not the hair issues, but me. We can get so consumed by our hair loss we totally forget we are so f’d up in so many other ways! Silly hair loss, and you thought it was all about you.
I have accepted my hair will continue to decline, and when it gets to a point it is no longer serving any purpose, but creating heartache once again, I will shave it off. I have seen the end scenario (with my hair) I have envisioned it, and felt what it will be like, and I’m okay with that. I am not saying I won’t cry, I am not saying it won’t pain me, but I know I’ll be okay.
My hair took so much from me (years and years) but what I gained in return, is so much more. So as a side note to hair loss, “Ha ha, I win.. you loose.”
Wearing hair is part of my life, it just is. Everyone I know that is important in my life knows about my wig wearing. It is liberating. I was in New York a few months ago with a good friend and we were at a club getting our dance on, and we made a jaunt to the bathroom where I felt I just needed a little readjust. Probably thanks to the wonder of booze coursing through my body, I just took off my hair ( in a packed bathroom by the way) and said hold this, to my friend (ha) passing my hair to her. Mind you, she doesn’t have hair loss or wear hair. I readjusted my head grip and then put my hair back on.. Tah dah. Ready for another round of dancing.
I also recently took my hair off in a car that picked me and my friend up, because I was feeling a little hot after the wine tasting [gulping] and then started car dancing and shaking my hair in my hand like a pom pom. Yes I was drunk, and so was my friend, and god knows what the driver or people passing by thought, but whatever. LOL. It as fun. As if that wasn’t enough, later I proceeded to have the driver take me and my hair to whole foods, so I could use the restroom and put my hair back on, which I did, with some other woman who was there. She was fascinated… obviously. It’s a whole new world. I have told countless strangers I wear a wig, I’ve flipped my ears tabs to prove it, and I have never had a negative reaction. I think my hair wearing is accepted positively by others because I am so comfortable with it, and as a result it makes those around me comfortable too.
I am not ashamed of my hair loss anymore. I am not ashamed of wearing hair. I like myself more now than I ever did, and I think I’m beginning to grow more and more with each passing day. My hair isn’t growing more and more, but screw it.
What matters in life to US? It’s a question only we can answer for ourselves. How many years will we sacrifice to hair loss? I’m not saying people should jump into wearing hair, hair wearing was my holy grail, but it isn’t for everyone. It is an adjustment, and it’s not like you buy hair and confetti falls from the sky and your tub is suddenly filled with a chocolate bath and a wine fountain (gosh that sounds amazing), all of it takes time. But, we do have to examine what will work for us, what we need to do to get back to the land of the living, back to our friends and families and back to ourself. Looking back at all the years I sat on the sidelines of life, and all it has to offer, I want to cry and quite frankly punch myself, at all that precious time I wasted and surrendered to hair loss. No more. Life didn’t end when I started wearing hair, it really just began to slowly take form.
To all the women who think there can be no tomorrow, no joy, no hope… I am here to tell you, tomorrow holds tremendous possibility, our strength is so much greater than we give ourselves credit for, and the people in our lives that really love us, that are our true friends, will support and embrace us in our journey. It’s a whole new world when you accept yourself, and have people in your life that accept you for you, not the hair on your head or the pounds on the scale, but for you. It took an extremely long time for me to reach this place, longer than some… shorter than others, but I’m here.
I’m sharing a video below of what hair loss has brought to me, I would not trade what I have today for all my hair to return. Hair I can buy, the love and friendships I have now, connecting with amazing women through this community, that’s priceless.
Love to you all ! xoxo