Little Things That Make Me Sad

by admin on June 29, 2008

So I got an email today from a friend I sort of have lost touch with over this last year. This is a person I never confided to about my hair loss and the more severe and less able to hide that my hair loss got, the more I distanced myself. I make up reasons why I can’t get together, work this or that… and she just emailed putting out an open invitation out there to meet up with her and another friend I lost touch with as well. I just burst out into tears and started crying uncontrollably. I cried because of how I must make others feel by avoiding their invitations for get togethers, I must seem like a flake. I cried for my inability to tell them “this is why.” I know they’d understand but I don’t want to be scrutinized I don’t really want any questions and I just prefer to hide and keep to myself. I cry for myself, for the torment that hair loss has caused me, and for any pain it has caused me to most likely cause others by my actions.

{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }

lisa1969 June 29, 2008 at 7:09 pm

~Y, My eyes are welling up right now. I’m so sorry. I wish I had some magic words to help ease your pain. In many ways, you (and the rest of us) are in a Catch-22. If we confide in others, those people will look at our hair, which is the last place we want anyone looking; that’s just human nature. If we don’t confide, we just want to hide and avoid and make excuses, right? I get it. I really do. You are a strong, strong woman. Never forget that. I’m so afraid that this awful thing will color our lives to such a degree that we will miss all the fun in life because we feel so self-conscious. It’s an awful feeling. I hope tomorrow is a better day. You’re incredible. Hang in there, girl. All the best, Lisa

Ellie June 30, 2008 at 7:26 am

Dear Y ~

You have such an amazing way of expressing yourself in words. I know I have felt exactly the same. I was so confident, so outgoing. Now I hide and do not go anywhere I do not have to. Just this morning I just wanted to cry again. Everything revolves around my stupid hair. I sometimes wish I could just get the courage to get a wig and go on with my life, then I could leave the self conciousness behind to a certain extent. Hanging on hoping and praying the medication will work and make some difference. This is such a stressful thing to go through. I feel your pain and my heart goes out to you.

Peace and love, Ellie ~

Lynnie June 30, 2008 at 6:24 pm

Hair loss is really hard to deal with–it takes so much courage to go out, and try to live a “normal” life. And then it takes so long to get ready, especially when you don’t have eyelashes or eyebrows or hair on your scalp. I empathize with you. And am sending my prayers. Things will get better, maybe not the same as before but better.

One thing I learned is that is natural to distance yourself when you are going through a hard time–it’s a protection. A true friend will see through the distance and want to be there for you anyways. And truth be told ALOT of women wear synthetic hair or beauty aids (haha and those Wonder Bras!). It can be fun to hang out with the girls and get a new style. And you get honest feedback before actually going in public.

I actually think its worse when your friend acts like nothing is wrong and just offers no concern. Yeah, you might be embarassed at first but your love and friendship will get you through. Hair loss really tests your friendships…and cause you to look at what matters to you. I think I am a better friend because of it.

I enjoyed reading your post. You are very brave…and have our support <3

admin June 30, 2008 at 6:42 pm

Thank you so much Lisa, Ellie & Lynnie for your support and understanding for my situation. I’m quite certain that the responses are what snaps me out of my sadness quicker than may have otherwise been, and all your words mean so much to me.

Today is a better day. That email just hit me hard because inside I was crying out “I want to see you, I want to tell you why I have been avoiding everyone, I want you to understand what is happening.” And you know what, she would. I hope one day soon I will be able to “come clean” so to speak and just be done with it, perhaps it will be liberating who knows? I can’t control my hair loss, but it is in my control to tell people close to me, to seek the understanding of friends.

I pray for self acceptance all the time, I don’t kid myself and have crazy diluted fantasies of all my hair growing back, I just want to be able to live, be comfortable in my own skin. After nine years of hair loss I know it isn’t all going to grow back, but if it could just stop falling out already that would be nice :)

You all are so amazing. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

~Y

jann July 1, 2008 at 5:18 am

I have said so many times in my head what you wrote in the e-mail. And I would never confide in my friends, because they can’t help but look. Only my sister knows, and we don’t talk about it anymore because I get so angry. She tells me, oh, it will grow back, blah, blah, blah. Because there is no discussion to be had with someone who is not experiencing it. But like you I make no plans with friends for trips, et cetera. It’s a nightmare you never come out of. It’s just that some days are okay and you are kind of okay and go on until the next wave of despair hits. Sorry, I was having a bad day yesterday and happened to see your e-mail.

zeerys July 1, 2008 at 10:59 am

Somebody mentioned before that they found Toppik in Calgary. Could I please get the address in Calgary. I know is somewhere on 17th Ave SW but I couldn’t find it.

thanks

Rachael Jean Harper July 1, 2008 at 12:00 pm

I so hear you about facing friends and family that have not seen you in a while about hair loss. I was to the point where I was creating weird looks with my hair peice, and lately just wear my hair the way it is. It has stopped falling out,and some little stuff is growing back, but you can really see the scalp. My family came to visit and I could see them stare at my hair. I just kept on going on like I never noticed, and sometimes I refer to hair loss, things such as “my hair will all fall out before it turns gray Ha Ha,” etc. I feel more comfortable, and so does everyone around me if I can laugh at it and accept it. This is so hard to do, but, for me, it is happening. I am starting not to care and enjoying just being me, thin hair and all. My ego is not so out of controll and as I accept this, so does everyone around me. I have some friends who have naturally extremely thin hair. They go about as though it never bothers them, because, I guess they are used to it. It doesn’t bother anyone else either. People barely notice. We, with once glorious hair have a real hard time accepting hairloss, as though we are losing our crown and glory, and our looks, very painful for a woman.

What helps me also is being post menapausal. What a change that is. My double chin wobbles and I have angel wings on my arms, and a bit of a paunce, so throw in hair loss and if i don’t laugh, I will never make it to old age. Next it will be teeth, bones, etc.

This hair loss thing is a tough one. It is also a state of mind. We have to laugh at ourselves, and to love ourselves. As I always say, we need to feed our souls a diet of loving acceptance for the beautiful women that we are, and to remember all the wonderful things that we do for our planet and communities on a daily basis. You, Y, always reach out and give a kind word, and helping hand to those of us suffering. Service work takes us a little ways away from focusing only on our problems. It allows us to feel vital and fulfilled and not to self obsess. I have spent my time there also, and still have my days, but, laughing and talking about it, which is hard to start doing, but gets easier, helps soooo much.

Please, go see your friends. After a moment of notice, the hair loss thing will pass, and you can resume your friendship. You will wonder why your ego stopped you from enjoying people that are important to you. Wear a hat, scarf, wig, just go, enjoy. Hats are great, and women can wear them almost anywhere, and at any time. I love you dear one. It is because of you that I am more comfortable about all of this today. Have fun with your friends. Hugs, Rachael Jean

karen July 2, 2008 at 12:25 pm

I feel your pain . My hair almost stopped coming out. Then i got in a new relationship and I began to worry so much about meeting his family and friends and going to public places that it began to come out more than it ever has. I don’t know if it is from stress or just getting older and maybe it is hormonal. Either way I am extremely sad. I think probably depressed.I dread taking a shower every morning because I will have to then struggle with fixing my hair. I feel like everyone stares at me. I want to cry all the time. THe guy I have met I love he wants to take me to the beach and I am trying so hard to find a fiable excuse. In reality, I would love to go be with him but it is so windy in florida,

eldorado July 6, 2008 at 11:02 pm

Hi Karen,

My doctor said being anxious is a form of depression and most likely, that’s what caused TE for me, I am also older. In other words, we did this to ourselves. I stopped crying because it would add to the stress I was trying to come out of.
If I was in love with a guy I’d say, ‘I’ve been on medication that made my hair fall out but I’m off of it now and it’s growing back slowly, I’m nervous that it won’t all come back’. (that should set him up for a response to you).
His response will tell you the truth of how he feels about YOU. If he acts shocked or scared and doesn’t say something encouraging to you or lovingly humorous (let him Go). If he says ‘You look great to me’ or ‘Well, okay let’s go hat shopping'(he cares about you and how YOU feel about it).
How we handle hair loss about ourselves is how people will treat us. If they see you’re terribly upset it may make them think they better stay away while you’re going through it giving you privacy.
PS
I finally started blurting it out to all my friends and I felt better! Also to 1 guy after he commented on what happened to my hair?
Now, they don’t stare suspiciously at me. They just ask, ‘Any new hairs?, how much longer will it be?’
(yes, get a magnifier glass and you can see ’em).

Karen take care and wear a cute hat to the beach that ties under you chin or just wear a hip hop knit hat.
Yes, the wind kicks up but sometimes makes it fuller.

Eldorado

Ellie July 10, 2008 at 9:29 am

Y~

I have a question. Does the spiro mess up your monthly. I found that i did not really get a monthly since being on the spiro. I heard it can make your monthly come every two weeks for the first few months until your body adjusts to the medication. I found that i am just not getting it properly since taking the spiro.

On another note, I hope you are feeling better and the grey cloud has lifted a litte.

I tried to reach out to a woman in my parish who is obviously losing her hair,all of the top of it missing. I tried to tell her my story, keeping the focus off her. She just blew me off and was quite rude about it. I wanted to tell her about the great support to be found here and all the knowledge you have about treatment options.

Love and Peace, Ellie ~

julie July 10, 2008 at 12:55 pm

I want to thank you for expressing your emotions about your hair loss. I have been losing my hair since I was 35 and am 55 now. It’s been a real struggle and a long painful journey. Does anyone know where to get a good hair piece that looks natural? Maybe some of the people we see and envy their great hair are covering up their hair loss with hairpieces. Have you done much research on hair pieces? I am hoping to find some that are light weight that can clip on to my remaining hair.

I totally understand your feelings about going out in public. It hurts me when people stare at my head. I lost my sister to breast cancer this past fall and she had no hair during the five years of her treatment before she passed on. It gave me a new perspective, although it does not make it any easier. I see my daughter starting to experience hair loss and it started for her at a much earlier age. Yet she appears to be happy and does not dwell on it. She has a lot of friends and gets together with them all the time.

You need to know in your heart that your friends and family will always love you for who you are. If you lost an arm or a leg they would be there for you. Our hair is suppose to be our crowning glory and all the ads we are bombarded with on TV and in magazines makes us feel less adequate. I pray that you will find peace in your soul. Thank you for providing a wonderful forum to express ourselves. Your honesty and openness has been a blessing to many of us and I truly believe that your friends will be supportive and loving.

Carly July 17, 2008 at 3:54 pm

I see a few posts with mention of possibly trying a hair replacement. I must say, from someone who has gone that route…that it certainly has changed my life. I found one that is very natural looking, and makes me feel whole again. I would recommend this to anyone, who feels they no longer want to go out in public. I know that if it wasn’t for this hair replacement, I would absolutely have crawled in a hole and would never have wanted to come out. This helps me to live my life. Granted, I still always wish for the miracle cure, for me to have my own hair again…but I also think about feeling lucky that this option is out there.

I would also recommend that anyone looking into this, does careful research, as there are company’s out there who prey on the insecurities of those with hair loss, and do not offer a real honest service, and actually scam people out of their money. I’ve been through that as well. Luckily I got my money back. But at the same time, lost my trust in process. But I did end up finding a great place with caring honest people, who really do make a difference.

Thank you all for sharing your experiences…it’s so helpful to have a place to go, where people understand, exactly how I feel.

Cindie W August 11, 2008 at 6:46 pm

My prayers go out to you. I am a 55 year-old African-American woman who has suffered from hair loss for 25 years, and I know how hard it is, especially when you’re young. And family, friends, and even strangers can be mean, cruel, and judgemental…..in the African-American community, hair is “everything”…..and if you don’t have it, woe be unto you. During the years of my hair loss, I’ve had people suggest that I was lazy and didn’t “take care” of my hair, and that’s why I was losing it, or even say that I might as well kill myself, because my life as a “real” woman was over, without hair. I always worked, and continue to work in very public jobs…..I shaved my head a long time ago, started wearing wigs, and just hope that people accept me for what I have IN my head and heart. And if they don’t, it’s their loss, not mine.

I’m glad I found this site. Sharing with all the ladies on here is a wonderful thing.

Peace and Blessings to All

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