My Secret World

by admin on September 8, 2007

Do you talk about your hair loss with anyone? Do they understand? I am very secretive about my hair loss, I don’t like sharing my feelings about what is happening with family or friends. I rather pretend it didn’t exist, but I know they know. It sort of forces me into seclusion, withdrawing from social events because it is too much of an ordeal to deal with my hair… or maybe better said, to face my hair in an attempt to make it look normal and not like the thin, lifeless disaster that it is. My fiance is very supportive, but I don’t even like talking about it with him, he knows of course. He sees my suffering, and wants to help… but he can’t.

Hair loss has made me incredibly self conscious and very isolated. :(

{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

julie September 12, 2007 at 12:11 pm

I’ve been suffering for 10 years and its very difficult for someone to understand your situation. Just as difficult for you to understand others’ flaws/fears/disfigurement. I think the worse thing you can do to yourself is feel sorry and isolated. As harsh as this may sound, you aren’t adding anything to your life by worrying about the problem. Its there, you exist and its a part of who you are. Why let something grow to devastating proportions when it could be simply addressed. You may need time to get used to it, I felt the same way as well. I was 17 and had no answers whatsoever, or friends to talk to about it. But over the years i’ve learned that its easier to just deal with the reality of it than hide. You have to learn to be grateful for what you have, I mean you have a fiancee! I haven’t dated in 3 years and i’m not unattractive. Sure I get responses, sometimes overwhelming, but its because I take care of the rest of me first…some guys freak out about the wigs I wear because they don’t know how to handle it…
I have a question for you, where did you find your fiancee? He sounds like 1 in a million and i’m proud of you. What was your secret? Do tell :)

admin September 12, 2007 at 1:17 pm

Hi Julie –

You are so right, I know the worst thing I can do is feel sorry for myself. I really try to be strong, but some days my hair loss gets the best of me. It causes me to feel so uncomfotable in my own skin and that is what makes me isolated. I find I don’t want to really be around people, I don’t want to be judged. I’m always thinking that people are focusing on my hair and for the family and friends that knew me before the hair loss, I keep thinking that they are wondering what happened to the girl that used to have this gorgeous thick mane. Afterall they knew me before, they know what I used to look like, and now thats gone. Self conscious is an understatement.

I am hoping to be like you and be able to have to strength to just deal and move on. I want that more than anything. I’ve made great strides in learning to accept what is happening to some extent, I’m no longer delusional and wishing I had ALL my hair back. I simply want it to stop now and if I could get back just the last year, rather than the last 8 years, I’d be very happy. But still that is not full acceptance I know. I’m not there yet.

There are so many men that are jerks, but there are really good men out there too. They are harder to find but they exist. As for my fiance I wrote about him in my other comment I just made here: https://www.womenshairlossproject.com/hair-loss/the-daily-hair-loss-grind-ugh/#comments
But to answer your question, i met him online. God bless the internet!

julie September 12, 2007 at 2:13 pm

Hi, you are making me want to cry! I hope there are good men in the world, I’ve also posted my profile on the internet!

If you were in IL, I’d take you wig shopping with me. I bought many in the past and I like it…they are fun but also have their ups and downs. In fact, once I roll out of bed I put it on. I haven’t shaved my head yet but will someday when I can afford to do the bonding stuff.

You have to take certain steps to gain the confidence. Some days, I feel so fake like someone is just going to find out about it and my cover is blown! I couldn’t find jobs and my dream career was thrown out! You start to enjoy other things in life and pay closer attention to yourself. I started to feel so un-sexy, so I listen to music and bellydance! I go bike riding and running, no use for hair there! I slip on a baseball cap and sometimes get more attention from wearing bummy gym clothes than a cute outfit!

You know, I worked in retail in a kiosk with bright lights all around and people did stare at me all the time. I got a sense of humor out of it and would ask them if there was something on my head…? They’d immediately feel bad and I would tell them that I wore wigs for fun because I was “stylistically challenged” they’d laugh with me and some actually would go out, buy wigs and come show them to me! So what if people stare, they will and what is so awful about hair loss? Its not contagious!

Come up with responses for me if you can, I’ll let you know what I tell people. Some might feel sorry for you, but you tell them you don’t need that! If you tell people you are confident about your situation, you will wake up one day knowing that you are…remember, sometimes you are what you think, you become what you think…if you believe it, you can achieve it. (sorry for the Dr.Phil moment there!!!)

But its true. I know its there and I stopped caring about it because I told myself that all the time! You know what? I have beautiful eyes, full lips and a slender figure. (i recently worked my self down from a size 14 to a size 4) I started to embellish my better attributes and wear my confidence like its mine.

Believe me, believe in yourself…people will look, you wiill notice, strangers will comment, but I guarentee you that they have a flaw that is even worse…Ignorance.

Natalia April 23, 2016 at 8:44 pm

I totally understand how it feels, the same thing with me…only may be even worse.. hair challenged is from birth for me. I was totally bold until age 2… my mom used to put on me always something for my head because of the total boldness. Imagine girl -child like that. This is how I grew up….. always with it…on all pictures… have to wear short hair style…, can never have long hair…, feel myself sometimes as a second sort when I look at girls/women with nice hair. They look at me and say how can you live with such hair…? Some hairdressers become irritated when they cut them…, they complain to me about my hair and say …”oh…your hair are so thin!..”. I go to the cheapest hairdressers to hope that may be they appreciate just to have a customer for their income and I give them a nice tip for suffering when cutting my hair. Already quite used to it and it’s my way…. I changed even my country and live in US now and I’ve never seen anybody with worse hair then mine. Mine hair are always the thinnest I’ve ever seen on anybody except chemotherapy patients. I try to keep them from not falling and shiny/glossy by staying healthy. This is all I can do. I work in OR, it’s tough job with night calls/weekends/responsibilities..etc…, all to wear a hat all the time and feel protected from people glances/impressions/remarks on my hair. I can’t make my hair better for them. When somebody comments I really toughen up on myself not to consider them my enemies in my mind;..”yes I know …I live like this all my life..always conscious of that… why do you have to remind me of this..yes I have enough brain to know how my hair are .it seems so cruel and not kind…”. It’s almost like telling somebody in the face that you are so ugly…., though I’m not, I have nice face features and eyes. Sometimes it feels like people going to treat me according to my hair grade… Well.., I got stronger…, I got confident/knowledgable/self dependent/very indipendent and hold myself well regardless. I respect myself tremendously and can see condemn/disrespect right away and can cut people off on that very quickly regardless who is in front of me. Most people say they are surprised at my personality strength…., they call me very strong person. For Or/anesthesiology it’s an excellent professional compliment and very handy attribute to have in the critical moments of patient/surgeon situations.
It’s just happened to become like that and my hair made me and I protect what I have-myself. I got spiritual and only wonder…what is my purpose in life to be born like that… there must be some good universe doing for the world/people by allowing me to be born like that and stay alive… It seems to me that there should be a meaningful meaning or something else behind it. I have it for a very long time… there should be something good or something for good with such feature of me … may be in my next life… I do agree with fairness/goodness of life and and staying my course hoping that the purpose of my hair challenge is important/necessary/significant… since it’s so noticeable by other people.
I’m convinced it makes other women happier about themselves when they see my hair or guys happier too and loving their wives/girlfriends more because they see them with more value… That means I make a lots of people happy just by living how I’m. Hope it contributes to peoples’s appreciation and awareness of what natural treasures they have…, it makes them feel special, proud…, more loved/loving overall. Hope this melts my karma…
I even learned not to depend from love of others…, anybody…, I learned to receive so much love that nobody can even imagine that it’s possible.
My hair keep me conscientious always also. Sometimes I feel even happy about my hair like that… and scared to loose my mindfulness if I had those perfect hair ever… my personality with what I have is how I love it very much…

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