I wish this post would be something more uplifting, but that isn’t the way hair loss always works is it? I sit here during my ninth year of hair loss all puffy from the crying spree/ meltdown I’ve just endured. Why today, why now? For the most part I have really accepted my hair loss and the thinness of my hair. But I guess the pain, sadness and frustration still floats close to the surface even though I usually keep it under wraps pretty well.
So what the heck happened?
It’s been over a year since I’ve been in for my annual hair cut. My hair is way too long for the thinness that my hair currently has. I can’t go back to the salon, my hair is too thin and I would be way too self conscious. I previously confided my hair loss to my hair stylist and she was understanding and careful not to tug on my hair and also let me comb it out after it was wet. But that was over a year ago and I’m even too embarrassed to have her cut my hair in my home. On a previous visit she had told me she could do that for me, which I thought would be great, until now. Here I am, stuck, helpless and tired.
Who can just cut my hair? I need a stylist who has hair loss, who is sensitive to the issue and who lives in Los Angeles and who can come over to my house, OR a stylist who works for a salon that has private rooms. I was recommended a local place by a friend in the network (Thank you Lisa) but it is a hair replacement salon, and I am afraid that after they get a gander at how thin my hair is that they will want to push me toward that direction of adding hair to my own, and I’m not mentally ready for that yet. I just want a haircut, why can’t I get a haircut? [click to continue…]
As most of you have probably already noticed I haven’t written very much lately. I’ve just been sort of trying to refocus my energy to get through this really really tough time. As I write I have to pause as I cannot see the screen though all my tears that keep falling like water out of a facet. I cannot be certain as to why I am going through another very bad shed, I should know by now that I probably should just stop asking why and move on.
For the most part I get through my day, but with a sadness and awareness each time I touch my head or see my reflection. I avoid all mirrors even the ones in grocery stores. I run past store windows for fear I’ll catch that glimpse that will ruin my day. That is how I’ve worked to be able to main a quasi productive day and to live my life… avoid my reflection, turn off the bathroom lights before entering, wear my hair up in a ponytail type bun so that I do not feel the lack of hair I have and to avoid having to be reminded every second of the day that I’m losing my hair as another strand falls on my arm, shoulders or back.
I just took a shower and washed my hair, it pretty much is dried already by the time I take a comb to it, thats how thin it is now. I comb through, saying any words of comfort to myself, a prayer, the alphabet, anything to keep myself busy while I get through the toughest part of my day. The hair falls out so easy like gobs of spaghetti. I consider taking the razor to my head right then and there and just being done with it, but I decide against it for the moment. I’m usually much stronger than this when dealing with my hair but I’ve felt so sad and weak lately. I remind myself it is only hair, and if this is the worst thing that ever happens to me then I probably should consider myself lucky. I feel so sad right now, a heaviness that just sits on me. It’s 4:35pm do you think it is too early for a glass of wine? I think not.
P.S. Forgive me if you’ve written to me and I have not answered yet, I will definitely get back to you. I’m just trying to piece myself back together right now.
So the great thing about having a supportive man in your life is being able to joke about things that aren’t really funny. Yesterday my fiance was saying something from afar that nagged me (completely unrelated to hair), I forgot what, but I replied to him “Hey, be nice to me, I’m going bald!” As the words left my mouth I started to laugh and so did he once he could hear I was only joking.
My mind found a joke in there somewhere to pick myself up because I was feeling pretty down yesterday after the shower gauntlet of shampoo, rinse and comb. Oddly enough, I picked up a T-shirt to put on that I think was mailed to be a few weeks ago when I bought something on the internet ( it was a free gift) and the back of it said:
a: a fixed purpose,
the power and will to persist,
resolve, to have the drive,
to have the grit, to go the distance,
to be hell-bent on reaching a goal
and getting it done no matter what
After I read that my spirit lifted up a little and I forced myself back into my “strong mindset,” and said to myself “I am determined.” Determined to not let my hair loss eat me alive, to beat this, maybe not with treatment because that is beyond my control, but with my mind, with my heart and learning to love myself and not care so much about what other people think.
Anyways, I thought it would make funny bumper sticker “Be Nice To Me, I’m Going Bald.” a little humor never hurts.
Today is yet another one of the down days where I seem to focus more on my hair loss. There are a of those days. I guess perhaps it didn’t help that when I went to refasten my ponytail, my ponytail scrunchie had a ton of fallen hairs stuck into it. I flushed all the hairs down the toilet and along went a little more of myself with it.
I wear my hair up all the time, for two reasons, one is that I don’t want my hair falling all over me during the day, and the other is that it is the only way I can mildly “feel my hair.” This is going to be a hard concept to follow for anyone who doesn’t have hair loss, but as you lose your hair whether you’ve lost 1/4 or 3/4 of it, you no longer can feel it (obviously the more lost the worse it is), you become acutely aware of the fact that it feels like there is nothing there. Not a good feeling, it’s awful. I’ve been aware of the “not feeling my hair” syndrome since the beginning, but now it is at an all time high and I cannot actually function with my hair down. It simply does not allow me to think about anything else. It causes me to be paralyzed. From the shower into a ponytail, that’s how I live. Not a regular one either, it’s the kind that the hair is actually double looped and pulled though. Nowadays it is practically the only way I can wear a ponytail because it enables me to have a thicker diameter that the scrunchie can loop around.
I sit here wondering why this has happened to me. Why can’t I be stronger and take back control by making a decision to not let this rule my life or dictate a good day from a bad day. If I was stronger I would shave my head and be done with it. I logically know there are far worse things in life. But even logic cannot pull be out of the perpetual black hole I’m living in. This is my cross to bear.
|Julie has left some incredibly wonderful, helpful, heartfelt comments on this blog and now she is sharing her story. Here it is:
For 10 long and arduous years, I’ve suffered from female pattern baldness. At 17, the pain of looking at myself in the mirror caused major depression and my health continued on a downward spiral. My gynecologist prescribed some birth control to regulate my periods and my acne, but the condition worsened. Soon, I was also put on anti-depressants, because I got depressed from the acne and hair loss…then, I couldn’t sleep at night because of the medication that I had to take for my hair loss and acne, and the depression because of my hair loss and acne! Phew! breath…so you see! After 10 years of tests and the determination I had in figuring out my problem, I figured the problem was bad practice of medicine. Well, 10 years ago is different and 10 years from now, answers will be different.
Working in retail with spotlights gleaming on my shiny scalp resulted in stares and inspections from nosy customers. No one understood the shock and devastation of losing clumps of hair. [click to continue…]