Awhile back I was talking with my fiance about what I would be willing to give up or do to get my hair back, if only a genie would come along my way and grant me this twisted exchange. Just my own silly thoughts and I’m curious to know yours.

• I’d run 20 miles every morning at 3:00am

• I’d would give up my pinky toes for the return of my hair, do we really NEED those?

• I’d eat liver 5x a day

• I’d accept some skin pigment ailment on my legs, I’ve always preferred pants anyways.

• I’d give up TV forever

• I’d agree to dye my “new hair” pink for the rest of my life.

• I’d run 2 of the 20 miles I was suppose to run completely nude okay maybe not everyday but for one day I could definitely make it happen. Although I’d probably be arrested, I’d have my hair back, yes!

All this is in jest and in fun, but really there is a lot I’d be willing to give up, swap or exchange or do to get my hair back. What about you?

So yesterday was suppose to be a nice relaxing Sunday. I had the day planned with my mom, we were going to go to the spa in the morning, have lunch and do some shopping. Well for my spa treatment I chose a massage. I told the massage therapist I didn’t like having my head rubbed, I don’t go into any explanation or anything, I just leave it at that. I think everyone can pretty much understand why I wouldn’t want my scalp massaged, I don’t even like touching my own head, I just tie in a pony tail and leave it there till I wash it.

So there we are, I’m feeling relaxed enjoying my massage and we are nearing the end when the therapist tells me he had another woman who told him she didn’t like her head touched either because she had a bad experience where her hair was pulled. He says, “I think it is because your hair is so very fine that you don’t like your head to be rubbed, it’s probably more sensitive.” UHHHHH. I felt so awful after that. Someone should have snapped a picture of my face because words can’t describe the utter shock and horror I felt. I don’t think he meant to be cruel and MAYBE he was saying fine as in naturally baby fine hair, but it hurt like crazy. Really put a damper on my morning. I tried to push past and just enjoy my Sunday with my mom, and I did, but I kept staring at my hair in the rear view mirror of the car, his words echoing in my head. It’s not often you actually get told to your face how thin your hair is **Sigh. I know it, I know it’s thin, but I don’t my reality being told and thrown at me by complete strangers, I have a mirror for that. Tell me I’m fat, tell me I’m short, tell me I’m too skinny, tell me you hate my clothes, but whatever you do please don’t tell me my hair is thin!

I was at the mall yesterday with my fiance and he pointed out a young girl that was working at a mall kiosk. She was very young, definitely still in high school, and she had severe female pattern hair loss. It appeared she had put some extensions in as well which were quite apparent due to the extreme thinning. She was interacting normally and didn’t really seem shy. I was thinking how hard it must be for her, to go to high school and work in a mall with a lot of young people and have to be going through something like hair loss. It was very hard on me to begin to lose my hair at a 21,but I can’t even imagine how hard it is to have to go through it while still in high school. Everyday I see so many women losing their hair, some are young girls and some are older. I’ll never forget a librarian I met back when I was 21 and in the infancy of my hair loss. I was of course at the library researching hair loss to try and help myself. She was sitting at a desk and I went up to ask her a question. Her part was so very thin and wide and I thought to myself “Oh my god, thank god my hair loss isn’t so bad,” but I was also worried I would be in her shoes very soon. From that point on I began to compare my hair loss to everyone around me. Her’s isn’t as bad as mine… mine isn’t as bad as hers etc etc. Sadly my answers are more toward the first statement nowadays. This was just recent though, mainly the last couple years. Before that, even though I was losing so much hair and suffering inside I was still able to fake it to the world. But I didn’t enjoy what I had along the way for that day, how could I when it continually fell out?

I look back and I wish I hadn’t missed out on so much because of my hair loss. The few people I had told about it along the way were always surprised to hear I even had hair loss. They didn’t know me before and know the thick thick hair I once had. My hair is so much thinner now, but I try and not let it get in my way anymore. After all, I’ve missed out on so much already. I’ll be 30 next year and realize I missed out on my entire 20’s. So why am I writing this? I want the women who are just losing their hair to know a couple things.

Hair loss is a journey. For some it is short and they luckily recover quickly, for others such as myself, we have to realize we have a long road ahead of us. The right side of the road is paved with sadness the left with happiness and in the middle there is acceptance. I spent 8 years walking on the right, always depressed, and never realizing I could move to the other side. I would try and get toward the middle but there always a strong force pulling me back. I am happy to report that more and more I stay to the middle of the road walking on acceptance and sometimes even making it along the border of happiness. Oddly enough this epiphany happened when I was at the thinnest stage of my hair loss. I don’t want other women to miss out on their lives. I know from the depths of my heart how hard and devastating hair loss is. I live it everyday. But at some point we have to appreciate what we have for that day and just do the best be can with what we have.

I still get sad about my hair loss and have my low days, I still run past mirrors to avoid looking at myself. [click to continue...]

As I got up today I was pondering at what point do I let go of the thoughts that I need my hair. I certainly don’t need it to live. If I was stuck on a deserted island I wouldn’t mind one bit if I had my hair. But unfortunately by nature people seem to be incredibly judgmental, so the fact that at I live in a populated society in contrast to the solitary island, my mind convinces me that without my hair I am somewhat less than.

Less than… Less than… Less than what? Less than a woman with hair? Sounds ridiculous when I say it out loud or write it down. Who I am, and all my qualities certainly amount to more than the sum of follicles attached to my scalp. And I know in my heart, I am not my hair. We all have our challenges to face in life, and this, in this moment, is mine. I can either submit to defeat or accept myself. I choose to accept myself, however hard it is each time I look in the mirror. But I get stronger all the time, and I know I will get though this and be a better person for it.

When I first started losing my hair 8 years ago, I used to pray and pray that I would recover completely from whatever ailment or messed up hormone was causing me to lose my hair and that it would all grow back. As the years went by my attitude changed and I started pray that I could just keep what I had and have it stop falling out. More years past, and I started pray that I could be given strength to mentally deal with my hair loss and move on. That is where I am today. Oh course I want my hair back, I always keep hope that things may turn around, but ultimately I really want to learn how to accept myself as I am, today.

At what point do we let go? For me, its been quite sometime that I’ve been working on letting go and accepting myself more and more. I never thought that I could have endured all the hair loss and pain and loss of self, that accompanies it. But I have, and I do. And I still have plenty of happy, smiling, laughing moments even with the the thin wisps of hair that I have left. Those moments remind me that I will be okay.